Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Give us this day, our daily dread

(I'm writing this at 9:33 a.m. while I sit at my desk at's me looking longingly outside.)

I dread going to work. No, seriously, I do. I can't begin to describe the sick feeling I get every night as I get my clothes ready for the next day, and I set my alarm for the butt crack of dawn. Sunday nights are the worst. At that point I've been home all weekend with Pete and the furry children, doing fun stuff, or even just house cleaning, but I'm not HERE. The sense of panic and despair begins to set in around 4:00. I start to have a vague sense of apprehension and my mood begins to shift to the darker end of the spectrum. At first, I'm always mystified as to why. But as the hours roll by, I begin to realize why, which sets off a cycle of anxiety and irritation that never fully stops once I'm asleep. Of course, the next morning is a continuation of this depression, and right off the bat I've already ruined another glorious start to the day by feeling scared, uneasy, and gloomy. Sometimes the fog never quite lifts, and I don't fully escape my doldrums, even after I've left work for the day. Other days I'm more able to shake off the negativity, and I think of all the wonderful things in my life that are going on. Fridays tend to be the best day for obvious reasons, but I'm also usually humming with creative energy on that day, and my mind is a blur of possibility.

Well, if there's one thing I can take comfort in, it's that the day always ends. I get to go home with my wonderful husband, see all of our animals, and be happy again, if for a little while, at least.


g-bug said...

oh, this is sad.
it makes me wish i could work next to you and we could just have fun all day.
i'm glad you have lot's of good things outside of work to look forward to.
soon, you will be doing what you love and loving what you do. i know it!

Claire said...

This made me very sad. Are you planning to change jobs? I made a decision early last year to love my job even if it meant that I would earn less. I started my own businesses and have been blessed so abundantly by God. I love Sunday evenings. I look forward to the week. I wish that everyone could experience this type of satisfaction. I believe that it is possible. I blogged about in Aug. The blog was entitled "my purpose".

Chris said...

I know it's sad, but so true. Yes, I'd love to get a new job and change careers. I used to love my job and couldn't wait to go to work every day. And even though it's in a field I wasn't schooled in (proofreading), I have enjoyed it over the years. Unfortunately, we were bought out by a big corporation and things have rapidly gone downhill. My job is on the verge of disappearing, and all the proofreading work is being sent to India. Yes, American textbooks being proofread in India! I'll be surprised if I last beyond the busy season at work (which ends in late winter).

Anyhow, I hope to change careers very soon, not that I might have a choice. I would love to pursue my freelance work (illustration and design), and since Pete and I plan on starting a family soon, that will probably be a necessary change of location for my job (working from home and being with the babes versus commuting an hour each way every day). My goal in the next year or two is to do freelance or full-time illustration, perhaps supplemented with freelance proofreading or a part-time job.

I'll have to check out your post called "my purpose." I'm sure I'll get some sort of inspiration just from reading it :)

Thanks, guys.