It should have been today

...or at least somewhere close to today. Not three and a half months early.



I still have so much guilt, anger, confusion, and shock that Jack was born so early. I don't clearly understand what happened, or why. And yet I have to see him every day, suffering from his extreme prematurity, trying to just get to the point that most babies are already developed before they are born.

Today is a hard day for me. It's a happy day, since we have been blessed with Jack's presence. But it's still very difficult to face that things didn't go as planned. That I never got the chance to carry my baby to term. That I didn't go home with him, didn't get to sleep next to him at night, didn't get to feed him, didn't get to show him off and do normal "mom things." Maybe it'll get easier as time goes on. Maybe not.

I will always be filled with the questions, "What if?" and "Why?"

I will always wonder what could have been.

I will always feel guilty, no matter how irrational it may seem to others. I think many, if not most, preemie moms know how I feel.

I will always live in fear of a sneeze or cough, or the wrong shade of color on his face, or a pause in his breathing, or a tremor in his limbs.

I will always wonder how his life will be different, what he'll miss out on, what he'll have to endure, what he will never know.

It should have been today.

Out for a stroll

Pete, the dogs, and I went for a stroll on Sunday. It was a gorgeous day, and I hadn't been walking for a while (the last time was during our camping trip). I had a great time, although I really got tired about 2/3 of the way into the walk. Baby Jack was pressing on my bladder, I was tired, and my legs were itching like mad—ever get that weird itchiness? It happens to me after I shave sometimes, especially when I used to go running (not doing that now, lol!).

Anyhow, I think I was a bit whiny, and Pete felt bad because I was uncomfortable. (Him: "You're tired? Really?" Me: "Uh, yeah! I'm lugging around an extra 30 pounds here!") But it was cute because we ran into some of his friends, and he was proudly showing off my big belly and telling everyone how happy he was to have his son on the way. So it was worth any discomfort to me to be out in the sunshine with my hubby and dogs, enjoying the vivid colors and warm sun, and stretching my (achy) legs a bit.

Put on your mom jeans

I have had trouble maintaining that sexy frame of mind as my belly, thighs, and bosom endlessly expands. And although Pete calls me Sexy Bear and thinks my new shape is cute, I just don't feel all that...sexy right now.



Well, let me tell you, while maternity pants help you to maintain a normal appearance, and they make you look as good as possible, they are not the prettiest thing in the world. Pete likes to tease me about my "mom jeans," even though I hadn't bought ANY maternity pants or jeans until today (I've been wearing large, low rise pants with drawstrings or elastic waist bands up til this point).



I take exception at my wardrobe being compared to those ultimate symbols of frumpiness, though. I do not see a tapered leg or pleated panel anywhere on these babies, a la the traditional model of the mom jean. My new pants (jeans and cords) are all about boot cuts and curve-hugging fit, and are as close to my old wardrobe as I'm gonna get, with my extra large booty and waddle-inducing belly.



Anyhow, I'm excited to be wearing something that isn't squeezing my waist or belly, that I don't have to wear a belly band with (Baby Jack doesn't seem to like it when I wear them), and that doesn't create that oh so attractive muffin top I've been sporting lately. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and wear whatcha gotta wear, whether they be mom jeans...or something completely different.

(Figurine from miund.wordpress.com)

Long overdue update

Pete, me, dad, and ma sitting around the fire, eating dinner


Well, how are you all? I'm pretty good. I've been gone from the blogging scene for a while, so I thought I'd pop in. I don't know about any of you who have been pregnant or have kids, but it certainly seems to put a crimp in how much time I'm on the computer, especially with blogging. I miss it, but most days I'm unable to get around to posting anything, much less taking pix for my photography blog, vivid.

Anyhow, the project I mentioned in the previous post is STILL going on. Not to the same degree it was before, but there are revisions that still trickle in here and there. Today I actually have to change something back to the color it was before, even though a previous revision asked for the color change. It's kinda funny, but hey, at least I'm getting paid for it, eh?

And I was able to get back onto unemployment this morning, so that's a big relief. The guy said it shouldn't be a problem for future projects, which is good, because I think more might be coming down the pike (I hope).

Well, what have you all been up to? Busy? Not so much?

We went camping this weekend on our big annual family camping trip. It's our 8th year (I think), and it was quite different this year with all the babies and me being pregnant (and quite pregnant right now, in my mind, although it'll get worse, I know). Here's a shot of me on the beach in Peninsula State Park in Door County, Wisconsin. Yikes! That's some baby belly!

That's my dad behind me, and Spanky at my feet.


We had a great time, and it did rain a little, but not too much. We hiked and went to town too, but I quickly realized how little stamina I have now that I'm pregnant.

Here's a group shot on the last day. I had a meltdown about 30 min. before this picture was taken because I had a severe migraine and bad allergies that would not stop, and Tylenol/caffeine was NOT making them go away. But as you can see, I was not the only weepy person in the group!

(From left to right, front row) Me, Hambone, Sam, Jane, Henry, ma, Jonneal, Tallulah, dad, Otto; (back row) Mani, Pete, Adora, Quinn


Anyhow, I am slowly feeling better, although I still don't feel 100% as of today.

Some GOOD news we got on Friday morning, before leaving for the trip: Little Baby Hoogestraat is a..............BOY!!! Yup, we are the proud future parents of little Peter Jack, a.k.a. Jack (we're calling him by his middle name, since he's a junior). Here's pix of him from the ultrasound on Friday.

Jack's profile


He was quite an active little boy, squirming and kicking all over the place. The tech and doctor were quite amused.

Frontal view of Skeletor—I mean Jack


Pete swore up and down since day one that it was going to be a girl, but I refused to call the baby anything but "it." Well, when the tech rolled the wand over his little bottom and said, "Yep, that's definitely a boy!", Pete's jaw dropped and he was speechless.

Yup...it's a boy!


I just started laughing because Pete was soooo sure, as were 90% of everyone else who was guessing. I must admit I was even a little surprised because of my "girl" symptoms, but I also had "boy" symptoms too—mild morning sickness, craving meat/dairy, etc. I think Pete bet Steve a 12-pack of beer that it'd be a girl. Well, Steve is ready to collect!

Jack likes to use these feet all the time on my insides, lol.


Anyhow, we are both thrilled and glad that we can start calling him by his name, buy him gender-specific clothes, etc.

Other than that, not much else going on. Dollie was sick for a while, but she seems to be getting better. Looks like her throat is raw, but they don't know why. Maybe she ate something she shouldn't have? I know she's fond of plants.

Our little goofball is doing a lot of this lately—sleeping.


I'm still unpacking from our trip, doing what I can while I have the energy. Mainly I'm trying to take it easy and rest, because I think I overdid it this weekend. I'm not used to being limited in what I can do (besides issues with Hooveritis), and I think I pushed myself a bit too hard. But you live and learn, and little Jack seems none the wiser of his mama not taking it easy. He's still kicking and rolling around in there as always!

Well, I hope all is well with you guys. I hope to start posting regularly again, and reading all my favorite blogs. I'll have to pick up the camera and start shooting again too. I hope my fatigue and headaches/backaches ease a bit to help me with this, but we'll see.

Have a happy Wednesday!

A bad case of the dropsies, or, a benefit of having dogs

I have been incredibly clumsy lately, and, as with everything I don't want to take the blame for, I'm blaming this on my pregnant state. As with the peas the other day, I somehow magically flung a dog bowl full of chicken and broccoli soup onto the floor during a recent lunch. I don't even know what happened, because the bowls weren't that full, and Spanky's food made it to the floor still in its container. But when I went to put Adora's dish down, it instead flew out of my hand and (of course) landed upside down, soup everywhere. I quickly looked around and started grabbing paper towels, but Adora was one step ahead of me. She cleaned that floor up like a good little Hoover (Hoogestraat) should, and Spanky even came in after her to do some light spot cleaning. I was left with a slightly sticky, wet floor, which was easily cleaned with moistened paper towels and dish soap. Everyone benefited from my channeling of Dick Van Dyke (as Pete likes to call me during my clumsier moments), which is how it should be, right?

What makes it all worthwhile

The it...

...and why it's all good in the end...



(This made me cry, I was so touched.)

On the inside:

(Printed) Wishing you a day blooming with happiness!

(Written by Pete) "I thought you should get used to this kind of card. Anyway, it's practice. To my loving wife on her birthday."

My first "mom" card ever. It was so touching that he took the time to pick out a card that would mean so much to me, and wrote some personal thoughts in it as well. This was accompanied by a dozen red roses, a belly rub, dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant, and a movie (Public Enemy) at the dollar theater—during which he excitedly whispered facts in my ear about the gangsters, cars, and guns in the movie. So cute.



I love my husband.

P.S. I'm feeling MUCH better today, so I am feeling smiley and positive :)

Abs-olutely miserable

DISCLAIMER: I sometimes worry that I'll turn people off (my readers, that is) if I start talking too much about one thing, or not enough about another. And then I realize that hey, this blog is about ME, and it's about my life and family/friends and what I'm going through or thinking about on any particular day. And if I want to talk about pregnancy stuff ad nauseum (ha ha, cuz that's certainly part of pregnancy), then I will. This is my outlet for my inner being, and if people want to come here to share, that's great. If not, there are a million other blogs out there with more exciting content. I don't mean to sound all hard-ass, I guess it's just my way of making a disclaimer about this post and past/future posts regarding my current favorite subject: pregnancy.

One of the things that has been plaguing me throughout my pregnancy (besides headaches, acne, and the occasional moody breakdown), probably since day one, is abdominal pain. This one has caught me by surprise, because I've never heard of women suffering so much from this as I have. Oh sure, I've heard complaints of back pain, or bloating, or the wonderful headaches (which I'm already used to, pre-pregnancy). But the abdominal pain is something I didn't expect to have so much trouble with.

I definitely expected to have problems with my abs, since there's a lot going on there with muscles growing/stretching/moving, and obviously that's going to cause some discomfort and pain (mostly pain for me). But when I ask other women if they suffered from this, they all seem surprised or a bit confused, and only say that they had a little discomfort or problems with their abs, and that's about it. I was in pretty good shape when I got pregnant, just 10-15 pounds over my "goal" weight, but with really strong abs that could do 50-100 crunches easily. So concerned, I asked my doctor about it last week. She said it's normal, and unless it feels like contractions (it doesn't) then she could only offer me advice (Tylenol, rest, heating pads) and some sympathy. I've tried them all, and they only take the edge off the continuous pain. There's not much help on the Internet either, only a few other women complaining of the level of pain that I've experienced—surprisingly, more in my second trimester, since this is supposed to be my "golden time" of pregnancy.

Pete does not seem to understand how much this hurts me, almost on a daily basis, and it's much worse some weeks than others (this is a bad week). He understands back pain, and often gives me massages (which he is used to from the Hooveritis problems I've had), but whenever I mention how much my belly hurts, he typically just says "Oh" and goes about what he was doing. I know he doesn't mean anything by that, but to not have your husband understand and sympathize with your pain is hard.

So the only thing that offers relief is when my abs decide to stop stretching so much, and I go back to feeling happy and content again. It's almost magical when I don't hurt all the time, when I'm happy to be pregnant and can feel the baby kicking down below. That's a side effect of the ab pain—I don't feel the baby kicking much at all, and that makes me hurt physically AND emotionally. I start freaking out and worry that the little bean is suffering, or not growing properly, or even dead in there, and I worry endlessly until I feel the occasional kick. It's scary, because I normally feel him/her quite frequently during my "good" days, so to feel nothing most of the day is very difficult.

I'm certainly not complaining about being pregnant, and for the most part, it's been wonderful. I had hardly any morning sickness (3 weeks of strong queasiness) and the headaches only hit a few times a week, no more frequently than my past migraines did (which were much worse). The acne? Well, I can deal with that, I certainly have in the past. A full bladder at night hurts a lot, rather than being uncomfortable, but our bed is 15 feet from the bathroom, and nightly trips are normal to me now. Even the back pain is tolerable, having dealt with that so much in my life.

But the ab pain is horrible. From rolling over in bed (the worse), to just sitting in a chair drawing at my computer, it's agony. The pain has been pretty much non-stop since Sunday, and the last time this happened, it lasted a week (which was a few weeks ago). I can only hope that in a few days (or sooner, if I'm lucky) the pain will subside and I'll be back to my rotund, waddling self, happy to be growing and changing along with the baby. I do wonder if the pains are signs of the baby going through growth spurts (certainly my uterus is), and that's a small consolation to me, something I can hang on to in order to deal with something I have little control over.

I hate to use this as a forum for complaining about something so wonderful as having a baby. But I feel like I can share with you all, and just get the feelings out there, if not for relief, then for a small peace of mind...to get all this ugliness off my chest. And yes, I'm glad to say I can feel the little bean kicking right now as I type this, so I feel a little better about things, if not in body, then in mind.

Thanks for listening, and I hope to be back to a happy, goofy, regularly-scheduled post tomorrow.

(Image from sheknows.com)

Thirty-six

Me at seven. I love my gap-toothed grin and wonderful posture in this picture.



Yup, it's that time of year again. It's the time of year when I usually get really depressed for no reason and feel sorry for myself. That was the case last year.

Not sure why I get so moody on my birthday, but this year? None of that. Which surprises me, because I'm laid off, underemployed, and money has been tight—Pete has had his of hours cut, too. And now with the baby on its way, I often lay in bed at night, worrying about the future and what I'll do when unemployment runs out, hopefully something which I won't have to worry about til next year (please please please give me an extension, IDES!).

But things just seem rosier now for some reason. I think there are many reasons for that. The fact that I'm no longer working at a job that I've HATED for the last few years is one. The fact that I'm starting to mix things up with my freelance work and continue to do what I love, at home. The fact that I get to work at home (for now), preparing for the future, for when I am taking care of our little bean and so lucky to be able to spend my time with him/her. And that's one of the biggest facts of all: the little bean. I've droned on and on about how wonderful life is with the baby coming and with something meaningful to look forward to, but I gotta tell ya, it's true. It does change so much, and he/she isn't even here yet.

True, my health still isn't wonderful. A lot of that has to do with being preggers, and I think that tends to distract me from the fact that there are still underlying health issues that I'll have to deal with once the baby is born. But again, I have the opportunity to raise a child, love them, teach them, laugh and cry with them, and of course, lose lots and lots of sleep. But it's all worth it.

I also just feel more comfortable in my own skin. The fact that Pete still finds me pretty when I have a face full of acne (thanks, hormones), or that he calls me Sexy Bear in my pregnant state and actually finds me attractive (yet cute with the tummy and all), does a lot for me confidence-wise. So does the fact that I don't care if I have 2 readers of my blog, or 22 readers, or whatever; my blog is for me, and for those who care to see how I am or what's bugging me or what's making me (or them) laugh. So does the fact that I can have fun with my camera and try new things and play as if I were a little kid again—albeit, a kid with an expensive and complicated camera. So does the fact that I have a loving family and friends who never notice when I've put on 10 pounds (well, until now, lol) or when my hair is misbehaving (almost daily) or when something isn't fitting quite right. They do notice when I'm not feeling my best, and they are always there to help me feel better, offer advice, make me laugh...whatever it takes.

So, to cut this ramble short, I just wanna say that 36 is looking pretty darn good. Yeah, it's on an average weekday, and not on the usual holiday weekend it falls on 3/4 of the time (grrr). Sure, I have no particular plans today and we'll probably just eat meatloaf I plan on making for dinner. And yes, life will go on as always, trudging (or leaping or rushing or tip-toeing) toward 37, then 38, and beyond. And I'm cool with that. I haven't been able to say that for several years, but I definitely feel it this time around.

Happy Wednesday, September 2nd, everyone!

Crying over spilled peas (and a pork chop)

Remember how yesterday I was semi-bragging (okay, gloating, really) about how mellow and cool I am? About how nothing phases me, and I pooh-pooh minor things like using the wrong flour and making messes? Well...I wasn't feeling that chill vibe later in the day. Well, most of the day. Yesterday was just a difficult day, mostly owing to a couple of things:

• Being pregnant and being tired/constantly pulling my ab muscles/having back pain/being moody/having headaches/hurting in various other places
• Not getting quality sleep this weekend, due to dogs running amok and waking me up every half hour (we had a dog house guest who has since departed)
• Being pregnant
• Having a deadline looming in a few weeks that's freaking me out (yes, plenty of time, but still!)
• Being pregnant
• Worrying about not working/not having money
• Being pregnant

Anyhow, I held it together most of the day, long enough to pick up a few things at Target, find the Illustrator book I was looking for at Borders, clean, bake a loaf of bread (in the machine), and do a little blogging (which mostly involved looking up recipes and getting distracted by links to other blogs). I won't lie to ya, I was hurting all day, very tired, headachey, and just uncomfortable. The lovely abdominal pains didn't want to let up all day, so I was having fun tolerating those as I moved around, doing my thing. But all in all, I held it together pretty well.

That is, until I showed Pete a 3D image of a 16-week fetus (my current stage) and tried to wow him with interactively rotating it 360 degrees for his amazement. He wasn't so amazed but merely amused, and made some goofy comments about the baby image and walked away. Now, normally that would not phase me and I might even laugh. But not yesterday. This set off a chain reaction made of hormones, tears, and more hormones and tears. After getting weepy for a few minutes, I decided to heat up a leftover chop and peas from Saturday night. I cut away the bone from the chop's meat, and as I tried to slide the bone into the garbage, my entire plate and dinner somehow fell out of my hands and shattered on the floor. Yes, there were peas and pork and plate chunks all over the place. This set off even MORE tears, after which Pete sensed he should get his butt in the kitchen and soothe and help me. I, of course, in my hormonally-hijacked body, tearfully tried to push him away, more for dramatic effect than anything. A wobbly, weepy pregnant woman was no match for Pete, and he succeeded in shooing me away and cleaning up the mess ("But there's peas under the wall!" I wailed, to which he calmly replied he would take care of it.)

Of course, it wasn't enough that I was hurting, weepy, and tired. I had to ignore Pete's suggestion that I go rest, and instead I started washing dishes (well, we DID have a sink full of them). He asked what he could do to help me, after offering me the remaining chop several times (I declined). I did shakily suggest he could rub my back later, "if he wanted to," to which he wisely agreed. I finished the dishes and heated up some hot chocolate, which I finished in a few gulps in front of my laptop, reading blogs. Pete retired to the living room and watched some Military Channel show about ultimate battles (Note: I really don't like the Military Channel.). I eventually calmed down and contemplated what to eat, since I steadfastly refused the extra chop and anything else Pete attempted to bribe me with ("Potatoes? No? How about the noodles? No? Okay...")

I have since slowly reverted to my pre-hysteria state, although I am still hurting and tired. It doesn't make me feel like drawing cartoons all day, but that is what I must do.

So the next time I drone on and on about being so above it all and in a state of pregnant bliss, ignore me. Or at least take it with a grain of salt (and a side of pork and peas). Just remember I have a bucket load of hormones cursing through my body, as well as a gigantic belly that puts a strain on my poor system (and it's only going to get worse). At least I recognize my weaker moments, eh?

(Image from Terrystuff)

Back to the drawing (and proofreading) board—again!

I'm happy to say that things are perking up a bit in the freelance department for me lately. I've just been given an illustration project that will run for a few weeks (about 30 hours worth of work). And a potential temporary proofreading position has opened up as well, for which I just need to hash out the details and see if they'll work with my schedule (since I'm working on the illustration project first). AND, I'm beginning a collaboration on a children's book with an friend of a former coworker, which doesn't pay right away but has already been to a publisher and approved, so it's definitely got a chance of turning into something good.

I'm glad this is all hitting me right now, as I'm in the early part of my second trimester (I'm 15 weeks 2 days as of today). I was so severely fatigued, nauseous, and just generally feeling like crap for the last few months that I had trouble simply going about my daily routine at home (walking up stairs, doing laundry, feeding pets, brushing my teeth, etc.). So now I'm a bit refreshed, and although I have to take it easy with the physical stuff cuz I seem to keep pulling my ab/groin muscles (a wonderful side effect of pregnancy), I can certainly sit at my computer and work.

It's amazing how good it makes you feel when you have prospects (and hope for future prospects) after several months of no work and no job leads (except for the one freelance project I did back in June). I'm hopeful that work will pick up, and even if I'm not able to find full time work, perhaps I can become a full-time freelancer at home, which has always been my dream, and would be perfect with the impending arrival of our little one in February.

May you all have great success in your career and creative endeavors!

Frolicking in my very "Euro" bikini in the Ausable River

Part of the gang hanging out at the Flume, in the Ausable River—From left to right: Isabelle, me, Pete, Olivia, and Jeanette



A view from above—belly shot at 14 weeks



While in the Adirondacks, we swam quite a bit. And since I don't swim that much normally and my bikini from my honeymoon still fits, I didn't see the reason to buy a new swimsuit. I was a bit worried that I would look odd scrambling among the rocks with my big belly hanging out of my bikini, but Jeanette assured me it was very "Euro" (lol, not sure if that's true, for all my European friends) to wear a bikini while pregnant.

I actually didn't mind wearing it because it didn't strangle my belly, and I was pregnant enough so that it didn't look like chub, but an actual baby bump. I did get a few curious looks, but most people didn't care, and it didn't bother me enough to hide under a big t-shirt or my sarong. Nicole took a picture of Pete and me, where my belly is super pregnant looking, and I was shocked by how big I had already become (when she sends it to me I'll post it).

Seems like I popped during the last few weeks, and the shorts I had been able to wear on the way up to the Adirondacks were no longer comfortable on the way home. Oh well, c'est la vie, eh?